


My Goldfish, Kurt

by cinder1013



Category: Glee
Genre: Comedy, Finn is a little dim, Gen, If you don't like that don't read, No seriously Finn acts pretty dopey here, Not Klaine Friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-06
Updated: 2013-12-06
Packaged: 2018-01-03 15:14:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1071966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinder1013/pseuds/cinder1013
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Or How Kurt Pissed off a Gypsy Woman, Became a Goldfish, and Found His True Love</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Goldfish, Kurt

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this a long time ago, sometime in season 2 or 3. I don't mean to impinge on Finn's memory, but his character tended to be dopey in my opinion. I take it to some extremes here for comedic effect.  
> 
> **If you do not want to read Finn's character being portrayed as dim-witted for comedic effect, DO NOT READ THIS. You are warned.**
> 
>  
> 
> Special thanks to Chrystal.
> 
> Note: Ending has been updated.

Dope. Mope. Soap. Dope. Rope. Dope.

“Do you realize you’re talking out loud?” Kurt asked him.

“It’s like, dude, how many times can I be dumped by the same girl?”

Kurt visibly shook off his objections at being called dude. It wasn’t like they helped. “At least one more, probably.”

“I just want her to love me and crap.”

“Look, Finn,” coming around the sofa Kurt sat next to him, putting a hand on his knee in a way that would have been creepy a year ago, but was now just a Kurt thing, “she does love you. She probably always will, but she loves New York more.”

“She thinks I could get into NYADA. She thinks I’m good enough.”

Kurt laughed. He clearly was not very good as this making people feel better thing. “I’m not even going to get into NYADA.”

“Oh, well, you could have said I got no hope without the laughing.”

“Force of habit.” He took a deep breath. “Let’s go do something fun that will take your mind off it? Hmm? Shopping maybe?”

“Dude, no.” Finn slumped further into his chair, thinking. “Wait, I know! Let’s go to the fair! I was totally gonna go with Rachel, but then she, you know, dumped me.”

Kurt made one of those faces of his that Finn mentally compared to Miss Pillsbury rushing to find some rubber gloves. Still, all he said was, “The fair. Sure. I haven’t had a fried ... thing ... in ... ever.”

“Dude! Yeah! This is gonna be great! We’ll go on rides till we puke! That way I’ll totally forget Rachel!”

“Yeah, great.” Kurt tried to smile, but his heart wasn’t in it.

So, they went to the fair. Finn dragged Kurt on the Whirl-a-go-go, the ThunderSmasher, the Zero Gravity 2000, and the UltraMax UFO before Kurt had to put a stop to it and beg for a break. “Please, Prada, please! I’ll even eat something fried! Just make it stop!” Holding his head, he whimpered. “Maybe not eat anything.”

“Are you going to puke, dude?” Finn asked excitedly.

“I promise to try if you find us something else to do for twenty minutes.”

Looking around, Finn pointed at the food stands. “Come on!”

“And also not eating!”

Bummed, because he really liked to eat, especially fried things, Finn’s eyes roamed over the remaining parts of the fair. “How about the fortune teller?” Without waiting for an answer, Finn set off.

Kurt trudged after him. “This should be good for a laugh.”

The tent looked like one of those out of a black and white horror movie that’s on late at night when there’s nothing else to watch but infomercials, only it had, you know, color. There wasn’t a line, so they stepped into the tent.

Inside was an old woman with badly dyed hair and on the table in front of her she had a glass ball, supposedly crystal.

“I’m not paying for this,” Kurt hissed.

Finn shrugged and plunked down ten bucks on the table.

“What is your question,” the old lady asked.

“Am I going to get back together with Rachel?”

Her hands skimmed over the crystal ball, dancing just above the surface. Inside the ball smoke swirled and lights danced. “The spirits tell me you will find happiness in the place you always have, in your home, your family, your town,” she said, swaying her head from side to side for effect.

“Oh, that’s rich,” Kurt scoffed. “I would be shocked if you hadn’t ripped that one off from the _Wizard of Oz_. Oh, Toto, there’s no place like home.”

“Young man, you do not trust the powers of Madame Griselda?”

“About as much as I trust that to be your real hair color.”

Finn put a warning hand on Kurt’s arm, but his bro shook it off. This wasn’t good. Everybody knew you did not piss off a gypsy woman. That was like the way you ended up as a werewolf or something.

Madame Griselda extended one bony hand and touched Kurt’s forehead.

“Hey, watch it! Your bad fashion might be contagious or something!”

“Such a beautiful young man, so twisted by the threads of fate.” Her gaze held only pity which seemed to incense Kurt even more. “You should have more faith. You will find your true love, the man of your heart and soul for all time, but the path will not be an easy one. No, Madame Griselda will not make it easy for you.”

“I’m sure. Finn, can we go?” Kurt stood, marching over to the tent flap.

“She hasn’t told me if Rachel is going to take me back yet.”

Madame Griselda’s finger touched his chest, right over his heart. It felt weird like she really was a magic old lady. Finn knew it! The lady looked like a gypsy woman! She was totally real! “My boy, you must help your brother for his journey will be long and difficult. He cannot complete it without you. But you, you have already found your love. May you realize that.”

“So she’s gonna come back to me?”

“Your time is up. Ten dollars.”

“Finn, come on!”

Sighing, Finn stood and handed the lady her money.

They wandered through the thoroughfare. Finn ate some fried twinkies, deep-fried oreos, and elephant ears, turkey drumstick and some other mystery foods on a stick. Kurt had a small vanilla frozen yogurt.

“Dude, you have got to lighten up a little,” Finn told him.

“Somehow lightening up a little sounds like it has an inverse relationship with my waistline.”

“Huh?”

“It’ll make me fat.”

“Oh. Hey, you want to play some games?”

Kurt looked around. He was about to complain that they were all rigged, but he noticed a cute guy standing behind the counter at the Rifle Rodeo. “Let’s go play that.”

“I’m not so good at that one.”

“C’mon. I’ll even win you a teddy bear.”

“You? Win?”

Kurt frowned at that. “And what would prevent me from winning?”

“It’s like a guy’s game, dude.”

“Guy’s game? First of all, Finn Hudson, I am a guy. I am male, in case you haven’t noticed, which I think you have because you have a new gay freak out every other second!”

“Dude, it was one time!”

“And furthermore, games are not guy’s games or girl’s games! They are just games! What would Rachel say if you said that in front of her?”

“Well,” Finn said, clearly thinking hard, “she can’t shoot a gun.”

“You can’t either!”

“Well, no...”

“But I can, so clearly I am more macho male than you are!” Spinning on his heel, Kurt stomped over to the Rifle Rodeo and slapped down his $3.

“Pick your gun,” the cute boy said and gave Kurt a little wink.

“Uh...”

“Don’t let me throw you off your game,” he purred.

“Surely not. If you were to do such a thing, which you can’t, my step-brother would laugh at me and that’s the last thing I need right now.”

Finn ambled up next to him. “Huh?”

“This is your step-brother?” the carnie asked. “He’s cute.”

“If you can get past the rocks he calls a brain,” Kurt snipped. Looking down the row with a critical eye, he picked the third gun from the end.

Leaning over the counter, the carnie whispered in his ear. “Aim just to the left of the dot.”

A little flustered, Kurt thanked him and then picked up the rifle. Steadying himself and taking a deep breath, he aimed just slightly to the left of the dot and fired. The target went down. He moves on to the next one and then the next, successfully hitting all three.

“Excellent,” the carnie praised. “What can I get you?” He gestured to the stuffed animals above his head.

“Well, I said I’d win Finn a bear,” Kurt said, grinning.

“Dude, I can win my own bear,” Finn told him sullenly. _When did Kurt start attracting guys?_ he wondered.

“Fine then. I want that stuffed penguin.” Kurt indicated a big penguin with a pink rather than black coat. The carnie handed it over, along with a slip of paper that he tried to hide under it. “Oh, uh...” Kurt blushed and hid the paper in his pocket.

 _So not subtle,_ Finn thought. Snatching up a rifle, he lifted and aimed. “You just watch, bro, I’ll win **you** a bear.” He fired and missed.

“I don’t need a bear, Finn. I already have a penguin, which is a good thing.” He gestured toward the still standing target.

Finn frowned and fired again and again. He only hit one target. “Dammit! How’d you do that?”

“I may not like guns, but I am a good marksman. Come on. I’ll let you take me on another one of those horrendous rides.”

“I’m all out of tickets and money,” Finn told him, sadly.

“Then I think it’s time to go home.”

“Come back anytime!” the carnie called after them as they walked away. Kurt waved to him.

“Don’t do that!” Finn hissed.

“Why not? I found him to be very nice.”

“Yeah, nice in your pants,” Finn muttered.

“Excuse me!”

“He totally wanted into your pants.”

Kurt blushed to the tips of his ears. “While I admit that he may have shown a certain amount of interest, I do not believe that he-”

“He gave you his number, right?”

“None of your business!” Kurt marched off ahead of him.

By the time Finn made it to the car, Kurt was already waiting and searching for good songs on his iPod. Kurt didn’t speak to him the entire ride home.

“I’m sorry for whatever I did,” Finn offered, once they got home.

“If you don’t know what you did, how do you know that you need to be sorry?” Kurt asked, his tone decidedly this side of snippy.

“Because you seem all mad and stuff?”

Tipping his head back, Kurt took several deep breaths. “Finn,” he finally said, “don’t placate me, alright?”

“Umm, sure.” He wasn’t sure what _placate_ meant, but he was not about to ask when Kurt was in this kind of mood.

“Good. I’m going up to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” Kurt very gracefully stomped up the stairs. Shouldn’t be possible, but it was Kurt after all. Scratching his head, Finn went up to bed too. It was late after all and he had plans to meet Puck the next day for a CoD marathon.

When he woke the next morning, he stumbled through his normal morning almost an hour before he noticed it. Sitting on his dresser was a cute little goldfish in a bowl. He was rather tiny, but had long, elegant fins.

 _Where in the hell had the fish come from?_ Finn wondered. Picking up the bowl, he stared into the fish’s eyes. It’s mouth opened and closed frantically. It was trying to tell him something. What was it saying? What did it want?

He remembered when the gypsy woman said, that Kurt would find his true love. Weren’t lots of people cursed to be animals and frogs and things until they found their love? Oh, fuck! It was Kurt! Kurt was the fish!

“How in the heck am I going to get people to kiss you?” Finn asked. The fish was speaking frantically. “I can’t hear you through water. I don’t think talking travels through water. Oh, man, we have to find your true love! We have to do it now!”

He tore off down the stairs, but noticed his shorts got wet. The water was sloshing out of the bowl! Oh no! He was going to kill Kurt before he even saved him! It was time to step up. It was time to be a hero and wear a shower curtain, although hopefully this time as a cape. And in a way that could be put back so his mom wouldn’t bitch at him this time.

He could be a hero just like Spiderman.

“I’m going to help you find your true love,” he told fish!Kurt. “You don’t have to worry, little dude. I’m going to be really careful carrying you. And I probably should find a lid.” Going into the kitchen he rummaged around in the cabinets until he found an empty cool whip container. Dumping the fish into it, he promised, “Don’t worry, you can bedazzel it later, but it’s really important to have a lid, I think.”

OK, now what?

Puck’s place!

Right, Puck would know what to do and also he could test all the guys to see if they were Kurt’s true love. Whistling to himself, he set off.

“Dude!” Puck yelled, opening the door. “Oh, hey! You brought dessert!”

“No! No, we can’t eat this, dude! It’s Kurt!”

“It’s for Kurt?” Puck looked at him skeptically. Behind him in the hallway, Mike and Sam appeared.

“No, no, it is Kurt!” He pulled off the lid, revealing a fish with rather droopy fins. “See! It’s Kurt! He’s a fish!”

“You named your fish Kurt?”

“Why are his fins drooping? What have I done? Kurt is going to kill me if his fins don’t go with his Gucci jacket!” Finn cried, shoving the tupperware container under Puck’s nose.

“You can’t just put a fish in a container with a lid,” Mike told him, gently taking the makeshift bowl. “Fish need oxygen.”

“They got gills, dude,” Puck told him.

“Yes and there is oxygen in water. The fish need it and if you close it up, oxygen can’t get in.” Mike cradled the bowl close. “Just trust me, guys.” He carried Kurt back to the living room, the others trailing behind.

“What’s that?” Artie asked.

“It’s Kurt,” Finn told him, quite seriously.

“Why’d you name your goldfish Kurt, dude?” Puck asked again.

“It is a pretty goldfish and Kurt is pretty,” Sam suggested cheerfully.

Finn lept on that, almost physically. “You like Kurt!”

“I have a girlfriend.”

“Maybe you’re Kurt’s true love!”

Sam backed slowly away. “Wait! What? What part of ‘I have a girlfriend’ did you miss?”

“You can have a girlfriend and still like someone else. I should know.” Bouncing up and down with excitement, he tried to take Kurt from Mike, but Mike wasn’t letting him get close. “Come on, dude, he’s got to kiss Kurt to see if he’s his true love!”

“You’re officially off the deep end, Finnessa.”

“No, listen! Kurt and I went to the fair last night. He wanted to cheer me up and you guys know that nothing cheers me up more than fried food. We saw this gypsy and she told Kurt he would find his true love. So, then we leave and stuff and I wake up this morning and find Kurt on my dresser in a little fishbowl. That is totally how it always happens in the movies, only it’s usually frogs.”

“That does make sense,” Sam agreed. “But, OK, if I kiss Kurt and I do turn out to be his true love, it’s going to hurt Mercedes feelings.”

Mike held out the bowl. “This is true love — you think this happens everyday?”

“Unfair using movie quotes against me.” But Sam took the bowl anyway. “How do I kiss a fish?”

“Maybe you can just sort of lean in and catch your lips on his fin or something.”

Sam did. Nothing happened. “Sorry, Finn,” he said, handing the bowl back.

“Damn! OK, you all got to kiss the fish. That’s the only way to know for sure.”

Mike took the bowl back. “Kurt,” he said, addressing the fish, “if you’re my true love, you’ve got to accept Tina too. I insist on a threesome.” His lips quirked slightly and Artie laughed. Sam complained about not thinking of it first. Learning in, Mike kissed a passing fin. Nothing happened. “Next?” He passed the bowl to Puck.

“Dude, I’m a sex shark and all, but I don’t know. What if I am Hummel’s true love?”

Artie reached for the bowl and Puck handed it to him. “I don’t mind. From my perspective, I see a lot of everyone’s asses and Kurt has a great ass.”

“Artie!” Finn protested, covering his ears.

“Sorry, but really, Finn, your brother is not my thing, but a great ass is a great ass.” Leaning forward, he kissed at the water. “Nope. Damn.” He offered up the tupperware and Puck snatched it.

“You are so right, dude. The Puckmeister cannot be contained to only women.” He dunked his face right in and kissed at Kurt’s body. Nothing happened. “Damn. Sorry, dude. Guess it’s not any of us.”

“Damn.”

“Some of the guys on the team are throwing a party. We could take Kurt there and get people to kiss him,” Puck suggested.

“Do we really believe Kurt’s one true love would be a football player?” Artie asked.

“Why not?”

Mike and Artie exchanged a look. “Party is a party,” Mike told him with a shrug.

“We have to try everybody. It could be anyone!” Finn ran out the front door.

“I’ll hold Kurt to make sure nothing happens to him,” Mike said. Smirking, he led them out the door after Finn.

The party was at Rick’s house and even though it was only 1 in the afternoon, it was already in full swing, red solo cups littering the lawn and hooting, hollering, and music coming from inside. Finn rushed in, Mike on his heels, and yelled into the din, “Who wants to kiss a fish?”

Everyone conscious turned to stare at him.

“Uh, so, like my brother was turned into a fish and now we’re like searching for his true love to turn him back.” He grinned, pleased at being able to express himself so well. They just continued to stare. “So, you guys kiss him and his one true love will make him human again. Right?”

Azimio grabbed the container. “Pretty fish, Hudson.”

“Ah, thanks. It’s Kurt.”

“Kuuurrrt, yeah.” He turned to the group at large. “Who’s for beer pong?”

The group roared their rather drunken approval.

“First one to sink their ball in the bowl **eats** the fish!”

“No!” Finn fought the crowd with Puck’s help shouting, “Don’t eat my brother!” Unfortunately, there were a lot of linemen in front of them and they were really excited about this new game. Luckily they were also soused enough not to be able to aim well.

Finn tried to fight his way through the crowd to get to Kurt, valiantly swimming upstream like a champion salmon. It took Matt to get through the crowd. He shimmied, he slid, he wormed, and he moonwalked his way to the table where they were playing beer pong.

“Chang?” Kurofsky taunted, handing him a ping pong ball.

“Fine.” Mike tossed the ball and it landed in Kurt’s bowl.

“Eat! Eat! Eat!” the crowd chanted.

“Sorry, he’d ruin my diet.” Mike grabbed the bowl and shimmied, twirled, pushing his way back through the crowd. “I love you all. My ass is totally McKinley!” With one final awesome move, he spun his way out the door, handing Kurt to Finn along the way, and then flipped over the railing. Motioning to Finn to hide Kurt, he said, “ooops, I dropped him. I can’t find him. Oh my, there’s a fish here somewhere!” Everyone laughed. Finn slipped out the door.

“So, that was a bust.” Pouting, Finn sat on the curb next to the car, watching Kurt swim around the little plastic container, making frantic blub blubs with his mouth.

“Guess we’re gonna have to take him to gay Hogwarts,” Puck said. They all looked at him. “You know, that dude from the garglers that he’s been hanging with? The one that kissed Rachel?”

Crossing his arms, Finn told him, “I do not think Blaine is his one true love.”

“Because of the Rachel thing?”

“Yes!” Finn looked around at them. “He was way super pissed after that happened, then Burt found them in bed together and he threatened Blaine with the shotgun.”

“Whoah,” Artie whispered, “Kurt got laid.”

Finn shook his head sadly. “It’s worse. Kurt took care of him when he was drunk and hungover, and then Blaine, the traitor, went on a date with Rachel. Kurt was super bummed about it.”

“Even if Blair or whatever is Kurt’s one true love, I don’t think I’d want them to be together,” Sam said. “I mean, that’s slippery. Still, there must be somebody at that gay school for Kurt to be with.”

“Should we tell them a whole school is unlikely to be gay?” Artie whispered to Mike.

“And ruin our fun?”

So, they piled in the car and headed to Dalton. On the way, Mike had a serious talk with fish!Kurt, advising him not to fall for any skeevy, singing Dalton boys.

“The non-skeevy ones are OK though,” Artie told him. The other boys in the car nodded solemnly and Artie and Mike tried not to crack up.

They met Blaine and several of the Warblers on the steps of the school. They were doo-wopping together. Oh-wheem-oh-wep, oh-wheen-oh-wep.

“Oh, hey guys!” Finn greeted, waving. “Hi! Can you help us?”

“Anytime!” Blaine told him with a grin.

“No, not you. You’re not allowed to kiss Kurt even if he is finny.”

Mike sputtered, laughing, although silently, and almost dropped Kurt.

“I can kiss Kurt if we want to!” Blaine yelled, getting in Finn’s face, using his two-step up advantage to almost meet him eye-to-eye.

“Then here!” Finn snarled, grabbing the fish and shoving it in Blaine’s face. “Kiss the fish. If you’re Kurt’s true love, he’ll turn human again and aside from the awkward naked thing that will happen, you’ll live happily ever after and the carriage won’t turn into a pumpkin at midnight!” His breath heaved as he finished. Blaine just stared at the fish, wide-eyed.

“What the fuck?” another boy asked.

“This fish is my brother,” Finn explained patiently. “He was cursed by a gypsy and now we’ve got to find his true love to kiss him and turn him back.” He turned back to Blaine, his countenance more fierce than a beast. “But it’s not you, man. You’re not even remotely good enough for him.”

Deep guffaws broke out across the boys on the steps.

“That fish is Kurt?” Blaine asked, struggling through his laughter.

“Yes.”

Mike tried to mouth, _He really thinks it’s his brother and you should kiss the fish so we can make fun of him later._ but it was kind of a long sentence. Blaine and the other Warblers seemed to get the idea though.

“Then I insist on kissing him,” Blaine announced, tossing a smirk over his shoulder at the others. With a grand sweep of his arm, he took the temporary fishbowl and peered down at it. “Uh, how am I...?”

“We just try to skim the water and catch a fin,” Mike told him.

Blaine nodded and attempted it a few times, but kurt!fish kept swimming away from him.

An Asian boy pulled the container away. “Like this.” Kurt!fish swam right up to him and he kissed a fin. Nothing happened. “Not me. Anyone else want to try.” The other Warblers seemed amused by it and all gave it a try, laughing amongst themselves. Finally the fish came back to Blaine and he tried again, but that fish wouldn’t give him the time of day.

“I don’t think he wants you, dude,” Sam told him, seriously. “Maybe you shouldn’t have kissed Rachel.”

“Kurt understood that.”

“No, no he really didn’t,” Finn said. “You totally bummed him out and he wouldn’t make waffles and I will never forgive you.”

“Right, because waffles,” Sam nodded sagely.

The other Warblers laughed. “I’m sorry that we couldn’t help you. I’m Wes, by the way.” He offered his hand and Finn shook it. “Perhaps you should go look for someone to kiss Kurt at the Lima mall. It’s just a thought. Outside Macy’s.”

The boy agreed that was a good idea and piled back into the car. Mike carefully carried Kurt’s container and attempted not to shake it too much while he held in his laughter. He and Artie couldn’t even look at one another or they knew they’d set one another off.

“Do we have to go to the mall?” Puck griped.

“There’s chicks there,” Artie pointed out.

“Oh, yeah, true. Let’s go to the mall!”

When they got there, Finn looked around rather helplessly. “How are we going to get people to kiss Kurt so we can find his true love?”

“Maybe we could make an announcement over the speaker,” Sam suggested.

Finn nodded enthusiastically, turning so fast, he also ran right over Santana.

“‘Scuse me, jolly green! Where are you even going so – you know what? I don’t care.” She looked over in time to see Mike pointing at the fish he held and enthusiastically mouthing, ‘Ask! Ask!.’ “Or, maybe I do. What up?”

“Kurt’s been turned into a fish,” Finn told her, his eyes big and watery. “He’s a fish! And if we don’t find his true love, he’ll never be human again!”

“We have to do it before the next full moon,” Artie added.

“The moon! You didn’t tell me about the moon!” Finn looked like he really might cry this time.

“Dude, it’ll be OK. We’ll find his true love,” Sam assured him.

Santana looked around, assessing who was in on the joke. “You know, I know how to find his true love.”

“You do?”

“Yep-p. Go up to the food court, stand in front of the frozen yogurt place, and spin around three times. Then recite, ‘Come to me, Kurt’s true love’ at the top of your lungs. Got that?”

“Really?” Finn asked, just a little incredulous. And seriously, this was when he got skeptical.

“Really,” Santana told him. “Cross my heart.”

Mike sniggered, but Santana ignored him.

“All of us?” Finn asked.

Mike and Artie both shook their heads frantically.

“Just you, tall, dark, and annoying.”

Finn grinned and bounded off toward the stairs, Sam and Puck on his heels.

“Is Kurt here?” Mike asked softly.

“Oh, I’m already on that,” Santana told him, texting. “He’s gonna keep oughta sight until after the show. Then he’s going to show up and ... oh, he says have Artie come past the Gucci boutique and pick up his bag. He’s going to show after the spinning. You’ll need the bag he has.” They both nodded and parted ways, intent on watching the show.

Mike arrived upstairs just as Finn was trying to talk Puck into joining him in the little ritual.

“Damn, dude, you don’t need me. Satan says it only has to be you.”

“I feel kind of foolish doing this,” Finn admitted.

“Don’t worry, dude,” Sam assured him. “I’ll do it with you.”

“You will?”

“Of course.” Sam grinned and Finn grinned back at him, knocking his shoulder. Sam had to knock him back, which lead to a chest bump, which Puck had to share ... and Mike was just glad it was him holding the fish, even if the fish wasn’t really Kurt. His little finny friend was a living creature, after all.

Soon enough, everything got started. Just as Finn and Sam were finished turning 3 times and began shouting, Artie rolled up to him and handed him a shopping back. “Have the fish touch the jacket,” he said. “And I’ve been warned to do it from the side of the bowl. If the jacket gets wet, K-I mean our friend will rip your lungs out.”

Mike nodded and pulled out the jacket. Just then Finn and Sam finished shouting. Everyone in the food court were turned to look at them. “Look guys!” Mike touched the arm of the jacket to the side of the bowl and then put the bowl behind his back. Kurt stepped out from behind a pillar. As tricks go, it wasn’t even good, but Finn and Sam bought it, leaping forward to hug their friend.

“Dude!” Finn enthused. “We thought we’d never see you again! I can’t believe you’re you! Was being a fish weird?”

Kurt tried very hard not to crack up. “Very weird, but thank you so much for saving me. It means a lot to me that you would go through all that for me. You have a very big heart.”  

“Oh, anytime! Right, Sam.”

Sam nodded enthusiastically. “But, I don’t get it. Who was your true love?”

“Why, this Gucci jacket, of course. What else would it be?” Taking his jacket from Mike, he slipped it on. “Don’t I look fabulous?”

At that point, Mike and Artie couldn’t stand it anymore, collapsing in howls of laughter.

“Is something funny?”

“Of course not,” Kurt assured his brother. “Let me take you both home and make you cookies.”

“I helped too!” Puck said.

“Cookies for everyone.” He looked around. “I will make batches and batches. Everyone just come by our house.” He looked around shyly. “After all, what would I do without my heroes.”

[3 Hours Later]

“Dude? You were never really a goldfish?”

“Remember that guy at the fair?” Kurt asked, kindly.

“The 1 who was totally a creep?”

Kurt blushed. “Not a creep so much.”

“Woohoo! Hummel got his banga on!” Santana whooped, breaking apart her cooking before chomping down.

They were all sitting in the Hudmel kitchen, having chocolate cookies and milk.

“There was kissage, yes,” Kurt shared. “Anyway, neither here nor there. The point is that Bernie - “

“Bernie?” Santana asked. “Really?”

“Ahem, Bernie realized you forgot the goldfish you won, so I brought it home for you and put it on your dresser.”

“It’s just a fish?” Finn asked, double checking.

“Just a fish.”

“Then what happened to it?”

Mike cleared his throat. “I hope you don’t mind, but I adopted him. I dropped him off at home before coming here. I even thought I’d name him Kurt.”

“Just don’t kiss him or let him near any Gucci.”

“On my honor.”

Kurt thought for a moment. “I am really grateful that you went to all that trouble for me, though, even if I wasn’t a fish. You guys, well ...”

“Don’t get all sobby, Hummel,” Puck warned.

Kurt sniffed in his general direction. “Whatev.” And he stole back one of Puck’s cookies.

And so, that is how Kurt the fish became the official Glee Club mascot and inspired an entire week of fish themed songs, much to everyone’s amusement and Mr. Schue’s complete bewilderment.

_I'm a little fish, I like to swim_

_You can't catch me, 'cause I have fins_

_When I swim past my friends, I hear them say_

_Stop your swimming and come and play!_


End file.
